They’ll Have To Try Harder To Get Me
Actually, I quite like cycling in winter. I’ve now got a full set of waterproofs, so I don’t get wet (not that it actually rains very often during commuting time), and there’s just something about the feeling of glowing cheeks when the air’s cold.
But not so today - TWO assassination attempts - both made to look like ‘accidents’. Obviously all that stuff I was writing last week about GCHQ, & the NSA running a free ‘backup’ service for anyone online (and the FSB running an informal RAID network to ensure your data never gets lost) got somone riled, and they decided that it was time to shut me up.
First off, a mysterious patch of black ice at the bottom of the slope of National Cycle Network Route 72 after Segedunum. It looked like the snow from last week had somehow lasted all weekend, and been moulded into ridges by passing cyclists, only to freeze hard overnight.
I saw it coming, but too late. I did one of those not-quite-managing-to-stop falls, where the bike suddenly slithers out from under you, and you’re left sprawled sliding along the path, preying that there aren’t any dog turds in the vicinity. I got up, and started shouting and swearing at myself, the path, the ice, my bike Wilf, the trees that’d sheltered this bit from the sun, life, the world, and everything.
After 60 seconds of swearing (never once hesitating or repeating myself), I got my phone out to call the nice cycling officer at the council to ask if he could get the path closed. Better than that, he said he’d arrange some guys to come down, clear the ice and salt the path. Nice.
Then tonight on the way home, a car tried right turning at me (if you’re in any part of the world where everyone drives on the wrong side of the road, see Accident Type #7: The Left Cross on this page) The car that was just off my right shoulder pulled an emergency stop; I did likewise, and so did the FSB assassin who’d been sent to silence me. We all looked at eachother briefly, and the assassin gave me a look - it was dark, so it was hard to tell for sure, but it was either:
Sorry Mate, I Didn’t See You (“SMIDSY”)
You have escaped us this time, Mr Bond. Next time you will not be so lucky.
Like I said, it was hard to tell. I just gave the finger response. No, not THAT finger response. I mean the wagging index finger that school teachers use in conjunction with that look of disdain. The one that says, “You silly little boy. Don’t let me catch you doing that again”.
Sometimes, saying less really is louder than saying more.
- Assassination Attempts: 2
- Type: Cycle
- Date: 12/08/2008
- Time: 21:57:47
- Total Time: 1:20:00.00
- Calories: 1042
- Distance: 19 miles
- Average Speed: 14.25 mph