So Now I’m Getting Asked About Tena Lady
I mean, really. Just WTF?
I’m hardly an expert when it comes to ‘long’ rides, but in this year’s Dunwich Dynamo I’ll be accompanied by some genuine novices. For one of these, the practicalities of 120 miles overnight, unsupported, with just one actual lavatory (at about 65 miles, and with a queue of ~200) might just be starting to sink in. So here’s the exchange of emails on the subject . . .
From: JXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: 24 June 2009 10:21:57 BST
To: Treggers McCracken <karl@XXXXXXXXXXXX>
Subject: do I need to buy some Tena lady ?ha ha - bet that got your attention!
But seriously - is it a necessity or is there plenty of open space for me to drop trousers so to speak…
Hmmm Don’t really know what the subject of the email’s about, but the second paragraph seems to indicate some worries - best I soothe them:
From: Karl McCracken <karl@XXXXXXXXXXXX>
To: JXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
cc: [The rest of the team ]
Sent: Wed Jun 24 23:04:48 2009
Subject: Re: do I need to buy some Tena lady?I’ve no idea what that is. We’ll be riding for about 10-12 hours & will drink about 4 littres of fluids each. Thankfully it’s all out in the countryside, there are lots of bushes, it’s dark, and there’s no-one else around to watch you pee. Apart from the 500 or so other cyclists. Some of whom have night vision goggles…
Which got this reply:
From: "Fat Rob" <Robert.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX>
Date: 25 June 2009 08:14:08 BST
To: "Karl McCracken" <karl@XXXXXXXXX>, "JXXXXXXXXXXX" , "Doktor Seth, "Tall Rob" <XXXXXXXXX3@hotmail.com>, "The Physicist" <XXXXXXXX@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: RE: do I need to buy some Tena lady?Why do you think cycling shorts have elasticated legs……..
Hmmm. . . .
From: JXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: 25 June 2009 08:35:37 BST
To: "’karl@XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX’"
Subject: Re: do I need to buy some Tena lady?Thanks for sharing this with everyone.
But the thing is, I figured that people would be interested in these sorts of practicalities. After all, no-one wants to make like That Guy From the US Air Force, and get electrolytes on the outside of their drinks bottles! Actually, some people are probably into that sort of thing, but for the rest of us, here’s the advice:
- Riding any sort of distance, you need to drink. My experience of bonking has been due to lack of fluids rather than fuel, and now I drink ~500-1000ml of fluids per hour’s riding.
- But riding when you really need to pee is no fun. Deal with the problem, rather than just holding it all inside.
- Brooks Saddles need more than just Proofride to protect them from a pint o’piss, so get off the bike first.
- Guys - you’ll probably have trouble finding ‘the old chap’ when you grope your way up the leg of your bib shorts. Unless you really are some sort of pervert, the saddle’s pressure is likely to have had just the opposite effect of Pfeizer’s little blue pill. But don’t worry - the other guys riding past will have experienced that same shrinking feeling, and the women riding past . . .
- . . . well, if they’re wearing bib shorts, they’ve got more to worry about than the apparent lack of a punch you’re packing.
- So girls: Unless you want to get totally naked while you squat behind that bush (that we can all see round as we ride past), opt for plain shorts rather than a bib. More pressure on the tummy while you ride, but with today’s proliferation of helmet-mounted cameras, better that than #1 ranking on YouTube!
You always find a way to highlight the lighter side of fitness! Eh Old Chap!?
Hmmm, anonymous my arse!
My understanding is that it would lead to far too much chafing so better to hold on until you can find a safe spot to stop and pee.
what’s bonking got to do with cycling?
Algernond - have you never bonked on a bike? Phnar Phnar…
I can assure you, there will be NO bonking on the tandem next Saturday night.
Repeat after me:
“Drink every ten minutes; eat every twenty”.
spoilsport
Drink every ten minutes; eat every twenty
Drink every 10 minutes or every 20 minutes? Let me know which is better.
I think I’m the one that Karl refers to as “Fat Rob”, anyone fancy going on an Orangutan hunt ?
From bitter experience (cross eyed and talking to road signs)….for me, it’s 800ml an hour with 6% of something carbohydrate in it that doesn’t give you the sh**s (a far worse problem than needing a wee). If it’s a proper long way, I always carry four 800ml bottles and make sure I fill up when I’m on the last one.
There also seems to be gentleman’s issue with Bib Shorts…..that last little bit of wee seems to wait until you’re all tucked away……
Exactly - there’s no such thing as anonymous. Tall Friend used to be called Fat rob but somehow, the crown moved.
Ooooh, squits and a bike, that’s not good, hadn’t even considered that one.
Bib shorts and far too much information - unfortunately, I suspect at we’ll be downwind of you as well - not good.
There’s a reason you never see labradors on TV adverts with a dock leaf……
Rob H - When you look in the mirror, is there anything that would make you think of the word “fat”? No? Must be some other Rob then. Probably the fat one.
Identifying dock leaves in the dark can also be a problem. They tend to grow in the same sort of places as stinging nettles. My top tip for using the Internet at work is never, ever, ever to Gooooogle for images of stinging nettles. Ever.
Von SmallHaussen - that’s entirely my point. Taking a pee behind a bush when you’ve been wearing bib shorts might be a nicely anonymous (just like that former Conservative MP thought it was behind a bush on Hampstead Heath), but sooner or later your face (if you’re lucky) is all over the Internet.
Actually, in all seriousness - Rob’s 800ml / hr is about right in warm weather. I make up my fluids with ~20% fruit juice (grapefruit is tops), and 2.5g of my home made electrolyte mix
In addition, cycling burns ~1,000 cals / hr. I top this up with one gel (~150cals) and one mini Mars bar (~350 cals). That’s a deficit of 500 cals / hr, and for events of up to about 6 hours that isn’t a problem - s’what fat reserves are for. Beyond that, I need a little extra something. Banana & peanut butter sandwiches seem to fit nicely into the gaps.
Okay, now that I have stopped laughing!!! It’s awesome you write about this sort of thing though, because this is one of those things that everyone would worry about but no one would ask about.
There’s a lot of things that I see in the mirror that make me think that…..but heyho…
Right turn Clyde…..
My top tip is a packet of jelly babies….easy to nibble on, don’t sit too heavy and can be used to mark the route back from the gingerbread cottage…..
I’ve just googled images for stinging nettles……
Why the hell would you want to do that !!!!!
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Just be glad that you weren’t in my position. I was looking for pictures of nettles to show Daughter, who was sitting on my knee at the time ….
LMAO!!!
I’ll go on the record as saying that if I’m peeing on the bottles, rest assured there’s little but water coming out.
The 793 lbs of salt on my jersey and shorts at the end of a ride can confirm that.