Here’s how they made the beast, which involves quite a large pulse jet (the same technology that powered the V1 Flying Bomb) - purely for reference. Heaven forefend that you should try this sort of madness at home…

As it happens, we DO have a Raleigh shopper, gas bottles and stainless steel ducting around here somewhere…

I booked a next-day delivery to my office address, reasoning that even though I wouldn’t be there for the whole day, someone would be. Except Parcel2Go’s subcontractor, TNT just didn’t deliver, and I when I had to leave at 6pm, one of my colleagues waited in for another 45 minutes for this expected arrival. When she had to go home, she texted me, and at about the same time Parcel2Go’s tracking updated that they’d missed the delivery slot (it was a 9-5:30 slot), and would deliver on the next working day. Last weekend being a Bank Holiday, what that meant was although I’d paid for a next day delivery, I would end up with a five-day delivery.

To try and ease the pain of this, I called TNT to see if they could redirect the shipment to my home address - I persuaded MrsOnSea to wait in for it on Tuesday. Unbelievably they said they could :-). Except when I called again on Tuesday morning to see if they could give me an approximate delivery time, I got a completely different story, and they weren’t certain if they were delivering to my home or work address.

In the end it was my work address, which mean I had to make an otherwise unnecessary trip later in the week into Newcastle and back, and carry a box weighing 15kg to and from the Metro. 15Kg is pretty light when you just pick it up, but it gets heavy very quickly.

Unsurprisingly, I’m pretty miffed at this, and feel that Parcel2Go have failed to live up to their side of the contract I made with them. So I want a refund - I can accept that they did deliver the parcel eventually, but there’s a price differential between what I paid for and what I got that I’d like them to recognise.

The trouble is, in common with a lot of web-based companies, it seems almost impossible to contact them to make a complaint (I challenge you to find a simple “contact us” form on their site), so in the end I resorted to Twitter and live-chat…

Welcome to Parcel2go.com. Someone shall be with you shortly.

You are now connected with Rowan

Karl McCracken: Hi Rowan

Rowan: Welcome to Parcel2go.com online. How can I help you today?

Karl McCracken: I’d like to make a claim for a late delivery please.

Rowan: Unfortunately we are unable to compensate for late deliveries Karl as delivery times are not guaranteed

Karl McCracken: I paid for next day. It took five days. This isn’t a time issue so much as P2G’s subcontractor not sticking to their end of the deal.

Rowan: I do understand your frustration Karl but unfortunately we cannot compensate for this

Karl McCracken: I’ve already been offered a £30 credit by your Twitter account. So you can and now we’re just haggling over the details.

Rowan: Can I ask who on the twitter team said this please Karl?

Karl McCracken: Let me just dig out a link to the tweet for you…

Rowan: Thank you Karl

Karl McCracken: Here you go: https://twitter.com/Parcel2Go/status/338718994011930625

Rowan: Thanks

Karl McCracken: … and here’s the story with TNT: They just didn’t deliver on the agreed date, and even though they had a contact number for the office I was waiting in, they didn’t call to say they’d messed up. First I know about their delivery run scheduling problem was when they updated the status at 6:30 in the evening. I called them over last weekend, and they agreed to re-deliver to my home address, so my wife spent the day waiting in for them. When I called around mid-morning to see if they had an approximate delivery time, they had no record of my earlier call. After some digging, they said that they did, but couldn’t confirm for sure that they hadn’t given instructions for an alternate delivery address. Basically they let you down big time, and as a result I’ve wasted a boat load of time, and made an unnecessary trip into Newcastle to collect my parcel. >:o(

Rowan: Ok Karl, I’m just looking into this for you, I can understand your frustration at that though

Karl McCracken: Thanks Rowan.

Rowan: Ok Karl, the £30 has been added to your prepay ccount

Rowan: *account

Karl McCracken: I don’t have a pre-pay account.

Rowan: If you register the email address this order was made with it will automatically appear there

Karl McCracken: At this stage, I’m really not sure that I’ll be using P2G again, so I’d like a refund. Cash in the bank is worth more than a balance on an account I’ll probably not use!

Rowan: I’m just going to pass you onto my colleague who will be able to further assist you with this

Please wait while I transfer the chat to William.

You are now connected with William

Karl McCracken: Sure - thanks.

William: Hi Karl

Karl McCracken: Hi William.

William: You need tp register an account with us to get the prepay

Karl McCracken: I’d like a refund against my debit card instead please.

William: Can you confirm the email used to book please Karl?

Karl McCracken: Sure - it’s xxxx.xxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxx.xxx.xx

Karl McCracken: The consignment number was P2Gabcdefghijk

William: Thank you

William: One monent please

William: OK a the prepay has been added I cannot do this Karl

William: You will need to register to access this

Karl McCracken: I paid for a service which you did not deliver. There were numerous other costs associated with this as a result. I’m not asking for these to be taken into account, just that you recognise that as it stands, I *won’t* be using Parcel2Go.com again, so the “prepay refund” is a hollow gesture. It’s not far off adding insult to injury.

William: I am truly sorry for this but did you accept this Kar

Karl McCracken: No, I did *NOT* accept this. Please review this chat.

William: Goodwil is only ever given as prepay Karl, I am sorry you feel this is hollow

Karl McCracken: It’s not goodwill we’re talking about - it’s failure to deliver your end of the contract.

William: I am sorry but I am not able to offer a refund here Karl

Karl McCracken: Please can you identify which clause in your Terms of Service you believe excludes this. http://www.parcel2go.com/content/about-terms.aspx

William: Prepay has been added as goodwill for the delay in the delivery but this was delievered. We do not guarantee the delivery date as we are a 3rd party service Karl

Karl McCracken: My contract is with Parcel2Go.com, and was for “Next Day” delivery. You did not meet the implied terms of this.

William: We do state on the order and on our website: Parcel delivery within 1-2 working days throughout most of UK’s mainland. Collection and Delivery are not guaranteed but currently enjoy a very high success rate

William: http://www.parcel2go.com/service/tnt-uk-express-service.aspx

William: We expressly advise our terms

Karl McCracken: That’s the general page for TNT. I explicitly booked TNT’s next day service with you. Not the Next Day-ish one.

William: This is the TNT Express Service Karl

Karl McCracken: No. The one I bought had “Next Day” written across the top of the quotation.

William: This is a next day service , a 1-2 working day service

William: But we advise we cannot 100% guarantee this Karl

Karl McCracken: By that do you mean Day1: collection. Day 2: delivery?

Karl McCracken: And while I can accept that nothing is 100% reliable, I cannot accept the lack of communication from your subcontractor in this contract.

William: I am truly sorry for the experince but we have compensated with the prepay. I am afraid I was not privy to how this was offered etc and so cannot comment

Karl McCracken: Scroll up through the chat log. It’s all there.

William: I am sorry Karl but I cannot speak with the social media team at the moment about this

Karl McCracken: I tell you what. This has taken quite a bit of time and I have somewhere to be. Do you have a case reference number or similar so we can resume this later?

William: P2Gabcdefg is the one you will need Karl, I am sorry that I have not been able to resolve this but I have advsed all I can

Karl McCracken: That’s fine, and thanks for your efforts this evening anyway.

Karl McCracken: Laters!

Hats off to Rowan & William (I’m now wondering if those are joke names - Rowan Williams… geddit?!), but I’m obviously not satisfied with the outcome of this so far.

More on this later.

On y va!

But we were talking about the sad news that Richard Ballantine, author of the classic (”million selling”!) Richard’s Bicycle Book died last Wednesday.

My copy of Richard’s Bicycle Book came second hand from Alnwick’s Barter Books, and when I got it home, I found a four-leaf clover pressed between the pages. It’s the 1984 reprint, which has this image on the cover:

Yep. That’s definitely how I remember the late 70s & early 80s. Facial hair was fashionable without being ironic, knitwear that would make Sara Lund pause was everywhere, men wore Clarks shoes, bikes were made out of steel and you fixed your own.

So long, Richard. Enjoy that last long ride.

“After a dismal career in accounting, Emma Way became a taxi driver.”

We’ve decided that this merits a special up-grade to the prize offered, and will be round to delete your twitter account, hire a PR firm and put you in front of the TV cameras portrayed as the victim some time in the next five minutes.

The inspiration for this week’s competition comes from the pages of the Interwebs. I was looking for a new bike that would be suitable for riding amongst Blyth’s homicidal taxi-drivers, or that I could perhaps use for this weekend’s Cycling Embassy of Great Britain infrastructure safaris around Newcastle.

I came across this as the ONLY option for such challenging conditions:

Armoured quadricycle, fitted with a Maxim machine gun.

Your challenge this week is simple: Come up with an advertising line to sell this four-wheeled beast to the masses.

Best answer wins a super [virtual] prize: An armoured hoodie to keep you warm and safe on the bike.

Good luck!

Actually now that I watch it again, I think it’s jolly silly AND jolly impressive.

Well I’m pretty bloomin’ impressed by that.

Check out the details from yesterday evening, when we had a discussion on the cycle route that passes through Cullercoats…

• VERY sensible bike…
• Trousers that won’t get stuck in the chain…
• Smiley-face socks…
• North sea coast summer-grade coat… Not so much sensible as just essential for survival in this never-to-arrive summer we’re having here.

Danny’s attempt at building a recumbent was doomed from the outset

was clearly a winner. Your crate of Redbull is in the post.

This week, I read with interest that someone has built a full-size X-wing Fighter out of 5.3 million Lego bricks. It doesn’t fly, but it IS the largest Lego model ever. Rumour has it that the Empire has plans for a much larger construction, which will be roughly the size of a small moon. You heard it here first.

ANYWAY… This week’s caption contest features a street scene that some will find familiar (you may click to embiggen):

The question is, what does this scene represent?

Best answer wins a great prize this week: The perfect personal transporter for the discerning Sith.

Good luck!

In the last few weeks I’ve had innumerable vehicles pass so close that I can tell what brand of shampoo the driver uses, had busses pull out in front of me, had cars abort overtaking me at the last second at traffic islands, had a driver brake test me (and then get REALLY ANGRY when I touch his car to fend off from scraping my bike down his gleaming paintwork), watched in horror as the learner driver overtaking me was himself overtaken by a car from a rival driving school, had passengers shout at me to get on the path, and pedestrians telling me to get on the road.

Seriously, it’s been really shit.

A bit like this from Monkeynutscom on Youtube:

I’m starting to ponder my options:

• Tool up with cameras? Don’t get mad, get evidence?
• Tool up in line with the obvious Mad Max nature of the roads? Probably not a good idea - riding in a leather jacket & trousers would be very sweaty
• Forget all that Vee-hicular Bicycling rubbish? It’s supposed to be a survival strategy, but to be honest I’m not sure it’s working. From now on, should I ride like a timid gutter bunny?
• Ignore it all as just a random throw of the dice. Like that time I rolled five straight sixes, but nobody saw.
• Sell my bikes and drive a car. I’ll spend a shed load of cash to get fat and die young. But at least I won’t spend my life in an advanced state of terror.
• Find out if David Hembrow has a spare room? I’m sure that with practice I could learn to weave baskets for him…

I’m firmly of the belief that one should try every new experience in life (with the accepted exceptions of incest and folk dancing of course). So when Richard offered to take me out last Friday to show me what this this “mountain biking” (as they call it) is all about, I had to accept.

But I was quite nervous about this for three reasons:

1. Richard is quite fit. Put it this way - I can keep up with most people I meet on the road, but on the two occasions when I’ve met Richard when I’m on a bike, my attempts at keeping up have lasted less than half a mile, and ended with tunnel vision and a taste of blood in my mouth. He came 14th in this year’s Fred Whitton (and was disappointed with this result). Gulp.
2. Richard is a somewhat experienced “mountain biker”. If you follow that link you’ll see he gets podium finishes in international races. He does things like 24-hour endurance races. Gulp.
3. I’ve basically never ridden off-road. OK - that’s not entirely true. When I was a kid we used to take our bikes to the woods, and the last time I did this I was eleven. It ended with me falling off the back of my Raleigh Commando, and the Sturmey Archer toggle chain taking a chunk out of my right shin as the bike fell on top of me. Lesson learned, I have avoided such situations for the last 32 years.

The route we took was from Blyth to Morpeth, having met first at Furnace Bank. I’d taken the road from the South, which is steep and has a nasty, rough & gravelly hairpin bend about halfway down it, and was waiting on the North side of the bridge. I heard a commotion on the other side, and saw Richard emerge from the trees with some foliage wedged in his brake levers. He’d decided to take the shortcut down the side of the hill instead of bothering with the road. We went and had a look back up it… it looked pretty much vertical to me, with tree root steps at the top. What was I getting myself into…?

It actually turned out to be quite good fun. The route we took followed the course of the River Blyth to Bedlington, then did a short on-road section before again going through the woods to Bothal, and along the River Wansbeck to Morpeth. I even managed to pick up some of the language of this subculture:

• The route was mainly “singletrack”. This means it follows a narrow path.
• Sections of it were “gnarly”. So there were tree-roots and rocks sticking up.
• There were some “sketchy” patches. I’ve still no idea what that means, but I’ve been dropping it into conversation, and it seems to go down well.
• The route got gradually more “technical”. This means that it got less like a road, and more like an obstacle course. So the “singletrack” route was sometimes steep with sharp turns, or right next to a river with overhanging trees to dodge.
• Sometimes we were “exploring”. This means the same as “lost” does to non-mountain bikers. I know the roads around the route we cycled pretty well, but I spent most of the ride having absolutely no idea where we were.
• I was definitely “late” home. Again, this is like the kind of “late” you can get by visiting the pub on the way home, but without the beer. Or the pub.

Yep. I can definitely see me fitting right in with this.

By the time I got home, I was a bit of a mess. I’d started the ride a little dehydrated, hadn’t had anything to drink, and done a lot of physical stuff that you don’t have to do on the road. Wife was full of sympathy, laughing at me and saying that now I know how people feel when I take them out for a ride…