Anyway, today I was riding in the rain through the excellent cycle facility that is Newcastle’s Percy Street, when I heard the loudest, strangest vehicle behind me. It sounded like a tractor being ripped apart by that bloke from the James Bond films with the metal teeth.

As I was busy dealing with the homicidal drivers in front of me, and could hear that it was in the next lane, I didn’t bother to look round.

It pulled level with me at the next set of lights:

That’s a tank. A flippin’ tank! With tracks and a gun! A TANK!

The crew seemed to be enjoying themselves, though the driver couldn’t hear my challenge to a race from the lights because of his ear defenders.

I’ve no idea what they were doing in Newcastle, but when I left them, they were heading down to the Bigg Market. From this, I surmise that they had either:

1. In town to keep the peace. The Bigg Market can get pretty alarming at times.
2. Stolen the tank à la Mike Watt, and they were just in town for a good time.

“I thought of that [the theory of relativity] while riding my bicycle”

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving“

Meanwhile, this graph from At War With The Motorist got me thinking of another quote from the great man:

“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.“

Unless things change in politicians’ thinking and the advice they receive in Whitehall, you can look forward to another forty years of this madness and its subsequent impact on your quality of life.

The trouble is, you were probably never taught to multi-task in this way. If only it had been part of your driving test, you’d have mastered this skill and been perfectly safe with one hand on the wheel and a thumb on your phone’s keypad.

Such a shame this wasn’t part of your driving test…

“This is a great enhancement to safety, as you don’t have to text with something that’s down in your console”

“You’re absolutely not distracted in any way from the road. I mean, you look down, but you look up. It’s like a heads-up display on the vehicle”

“This iPad steering-wheel mount is much safer than other forms of in-car driver distraction”

We’re very impressed, and look forward to this patented technology making it to this side of the Atlantic.

As a wise man once said, I’m convinced it’s a major contribution to road safety.

Or an alternative reading is that I’m just so glad that it’s not the ’70s any more, and we don’t have to wear shorts like that!

“Is this the queue for the canteen?”

Though to be fair, Nathan’s suggestion that the police may be planning to infiltrate critical mass also deserves consideration. The way to find out if your fellow cyclist is a policeman (or policewoman) is to offer him (or her) a selection of the following:

• Cake
• Donuts
• Cake
• Powerbars
• All-day breakfast
• Cake
• Beer
• Flapjacks
• Cake

You’d think that the police infiltrator could be identified by the way they grab for the donuts. But some of my best friends are cyclists who like donuts, so that’s no way to tell. The fact is that both police infiltrators and everyday cyclists will happily scoff the lot and probably fill their pockets & bags in case they get peckish on the way home.

No. It’s the beer that’s the real test - we all know that it’s technically-speaking a sports drink: 96% pure water, with the balance being a blend of complex carbohydrates, sugars, and goodness, all in a tasty, easily-absorbed isotonic solution. But the reply you’ll get from the police will be,

“Oh, um, not while I’m on duty.”

Obvious really, but now that I mention it, I realise that I’ve never seen WPC Leyendecker (the chair of the Newcastle Cycling Campaign) drink any beer. Probably just a coincidence.

Anyway. This week’s competition.

I just don’t know where to begin with this photo, which was snapped by one of our moles (Agent “Kalev Kevad” to you) in Amsterdam:

Oh those crazy Dutch, eh?

Actually, I’ve no idea what’s going on here, so please can you help out & explain the situation.

Most accurate answer this week will win a super prize to keep you going until you get home - a large portion of frieten with mayonnaise.

Good luck!

1. Riding a brakeless fixie in London traffic is an evolutionary cul de sac. Once you get in, extinction is the only way out.
2. Riding a brakeless fixie in London traffic is only something that the deranged would seriously consider as a transport choice. We’ve seen an increase in brakeless fixie riders as part of the fall out of care in the community, untreated PTSD, and the general rolling back of mental health care in the UK.
3. Riding a brakeless fixie in London traffic is the result of something similar to the toxoplasma parasite in rats. Normal cyclists get bitten by an infected motorist, and then develop crazy suicidal tendencies. The parasite’s transmission vector is via blood-splatter in the issuing carnage.

I mean, obviously, you’ll remember this one, but how about this from today, filmed by our covert operative:

Yep - biologist spend years studying moths that turn from black to white, or the curious mutations of fruit flies, only to prove that insect DNA seems rather unstable. If they really wanted to prove evolution is more than just a theory (and therefore so much more believable than those other not-referenced-in-the-bible theories like “gravity”), all they’d have to do is watch London cyclists for a few weeks.

“Idiot! You were supposed to ride up a steel hill…“

Your Jesus-approved bicycle will be with you just as soon as we can get the the angel riding it to hand it over.

For this week’s contest we turn to the archives of the BBC:

I’ve no idea what’s going on here - maybe they’re all in training for cutting up other road users? Who can tell.

What I want to know is what they’re saying to each other. Hopefully you’ll co-operate, and leave your confession entry below - we don’t want to have to beat it out of you again.

Best entry this week wins a good kicking in the back of a police van tour of the police station’s new staircase.

Good luck!

But I wasn’t allowed one - instead, I got a Raleigh Commando. Quite apt, considering how I now sometimes ride.

ANYWAY, this evening Andy Kewell (a.k.a. VexedVeloist) sent me this picture via the Twitters of the prototype for the new Chopper:

Apparently this is the ultimate “answer to cycle lanes clogged with rollerbladers / skaters / parked cars etc.”

I can’t wait for this to hit the shops - I’ve already put in my pre-order!

Oh - and for those of you who had a Chopper, and wondered how on earth you were safely supposed to carry passengers, there’s this:

I mean, seriously - a TANDEM CHOPPER! What’s not to love?

The answer is a whole lot more than you think - I made a spreadsheet to do the calculations & present them thus (click to enlarge):

That total of over £4,000 a year is for me, driving an old Honda for just 11,000 miles a year, and squeezing 54mpg out of it!  I need to earn more than £5,000 a year before taxes to pay for that - i.e. around one hour out of every working day goes on the car.

You can work out your own costs . . . as I’ve made the spreadsheet that does all the calculations publicly available.

YOU can download it and create your own cost of driving infographic here.